Random Tamora Pierce Ranting
by Serpent Mage
Summary: Talk showy type story. I bring characters from the books to randomly just TALK. As well as other things. (I plea temporary insanity.)
1. Introductoin To Randomness

Disclaimer: I do NOT own the Tamora Pierce books and if you think I do you need your head examined. I do, however, own me, me, and this particular show.  
  
Voice: And now, live from Serpent Mage's kitchen, it's.  
  
Audience: **unenthusiastically* Random Tamora Pierce Ranting.  
  
Voice: Today's guest, utill we find a portal to Tortall.  
  
Meric: That rhymes!  
  
Serpent Mage: Where'd he come from?  
  
Meric: **runs out the door*  
  
Voice: As I was saying, today's guest will be Nile Serpent, here to talk with Serpent Mage until a Tortallan guest is found.  
  
Serpent Mage: OK then, is it just me or.  
  
Nile Serpent: It's just you.  
  
Serpent Mage: **glares*  
  
Nile Serpent: Well, you asked.  
  
SM: Yes, but not you AND I wasn't finished yet.  
  
NS: Oh.  
  
SM: Now, is it just me or do the boys in the Tamora Pierce books seem nicer than real ones? Is it Tortallan boys or just made up boys? American boys are bloody jerks. Mithros, I love those British words.  
  
NS: It's just you.  
  
SM: **glares*  
  
NS: Well, you asked.  
  
SM: SHUT UP, NILE!  
  
NS: Yes, Serpy.  
  
SM: DON'T call me "Serpy"!  
  
NS: Well, .  
  
SM: Just shut up already!  
  
NS: But was hired to talk.  
  
SM: Talk, yes, but not to be a royal pain in the ass.  
  
NS: **mumbles*  
  
SM: **glares*  
  
NS: **mumbles*  
  
SM: **glares*  
  
NS: **mumbles*  
  
SM: **glares*  
  
NS: **mumbles*  
  
SM: **glares*  
  
All Powerful Author SM: Quit it!  
  
SM&NS: **cower in corner, get into another fight*  
  
APASM: **sigh, zaps them with APA lightning*  
  
Audience: YEAH!  
  
SM&NS: OWIES!  
  
APASM: That's what ya get for not cooperating.  
  
NS: I quit.  
  
Random Guy: WE FOUND A PORTAL TO WINDING CIRCLE TEMPLE!!!!  
  
SM: YEAH!!  
  
APASM: OK, TRIS!!  
  
Tris: **appears, blink* Why am I on this show?  
  
SM: Because I wanted you to be. I am the Nearly All Powerful Half Author, Serpent Mage!  
  
Tris: Er...*creates storm* I WILL NOT BE SUBJCTED TO THIS!!  
  
SM: Stop! My mom will kill me! Easy on the orchid!  
  
Tris: ok, ok  
  
APASM: Having trouble there, SERPY.  
  
SM: DON"T CALL ME SERPY!  
  
Tris: GET ME OUTA THIS MADHOUSE!!  
  
Audience: **cracks up*  
  
Tris: Wha, woah, you people scare me!  
  
APASM: Serpy, Serpy, Serpy, Serpy...  
  
SM: **attacks APASM*  
  
Tris: BRIAR!! SAVE ME!!  
  
Briar: I'm coming. **drops in from the ceiling, sees various plants* Oo, PLANTIES! **forgets Tris and goes to plants*  
  
Tris: *grinds teeth*  
  
APASM: This is getting funny.  
  
Tris: Says you.  
  
*all havoc breaks loose*  
  
Tris: *storms left and right*  
  
APASM: *Uses APASM lightning on Tris*  
  
Tris: ITAI!!  
  
SM: *slaps APASM* Don't zap Tris!  
  
APASM: *slaps back*  
  
Tris: *ignores all*  
  
*SM & APASM have a slapping fight*  
  
Tris:...  
  
*large guard dog grabs Tris's arm*  
  
Tris: AHHHHH  
  
SM: *looking at large German Shepard* Aww, it's only Fluffy.  
  
Tris: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight  
  
SM: What, that's her name. Here girl. *dog trots up to SM*  
  
Tirs: *sniff* I'm allergic to dogs  
  
*a cat rubs against Tris's leg*  
  
Tris: I HAVE TO GO I HAVE To GO I HAVE TO GO ThANKS MITHROS!!!!  
  
SM: He's a Torltallan god! You're not supposed to know about him!  
  
Tris: Bye bye! *runs away from the insane people*  
  
Tris: *long gone*  
  
Ok, how do you like? Hopefully, I'll be able to write more. If you have an idea, please feel free to say it. I need all the help I can get. Please review, and while you're at it, read my other TP "story", Tamora Pierce Names According to My Computer. 


	2. YAY! Numy!

Disclaimer: OK guys use your brains! What don't I own? That's right, Daine and Numair. And who does? Correct again, Tamora Pierce. Oh, and the little "That rhymes!" thing belongs to Lady Alehanra A.K.A Medusagrrl.  
  
In case some of you read reviews, there is one person that writes almost demanding reviews. I actually write with her. Oh, and Lady Sandriline, I'm just writing in each character two by two, I will get the others in.  
  
Voice: And now, live from Serpent Mage's kitchen, it's...  
  
Audience: *talking in their sleep* Aww, shut up!  
  
Voice: Random Tamora Pierce Ranting! Today's guest, now that we found a portal to Tortall...  
  
Meric: That rhymes!  
  
SM: I hope this won't become a habit.  
  
Voice: ...is Numair Salmalin!  
  
Audience: **cheers*  
  
APASM: NUMAIR!  
  
Numair: **appears* Hello, hello. *whips out mirror* I was told I was your special guest today *smoothes hair* I'm all ready for my fans now  
  
APASM: *gives a half-cough half-laugh*  
  
SM: DON'T LAUGH AT MY NUMY!!  
  
Numair: I'm so loved. I'm so beautiful.  
  
APASM: Great Mithros, he sounds like Gilderoy Lockhart, and I don't like Gilderoy Lockhart. (OK, I know, more into the Harry Potter books, but you must admit, if you read them, he really does.)  
  
Numair: Who is this Gilderoy Lockhart?  
  
APASM: Never mind, he's from a different book.  
  
Numair: Any idea where Daine is?  
  
SM: No.  
  
Daine: I'm here, Numy.  
  
Numair: Hiiii Daine!!!  
  
SM: *whimper*  
  
Numair: SM!! I LOVE YOU TOO!!!  
  
SM: *happy again*  
  
Daine: HEY!!! *pout*  
  
SM: I don't think I want to be here right now.  
  
APASM: Ignore her, Daine  
  
KoK: I can get rid of her!! You want Daine out? I'd be only too glad!!  
  
SM: No.  
  
APASM: No, LEAVE!  
  
Numair and Daine: HEY!!!  
  
Numair and Daine: Yeah! You need us on the show  
  
APASM: We sure do, other than me, you two are the only sane ones.  
  
SM: HEY!!  
  
Numair: And I am the most beautiful! *preens*  
  
APASM: *dreamily* yes.... OH NO! IT"S SPREADING!!  
  
KoK: these people are annoying  
  
Numair: Out, creature  
  
KoK: *pout*  
  
APASM: Tell her Numair!  
  
Numair: *says spells*  
  
KoK: *flies into cyberspace somewhere*  
  
APASM: YEAH!! SHE"S GONE!  
  
Korin: I'm sane. Can I be on?  
  
Numair: *dubious*  
  
APASM: Yes  
  
Daine: I want NO OTHER WOMEN ON THE SHOW!!!!  
  
Korin: Relax  
  
Daine: **turns into a big black snake*  
  
Korin: **backs away slowly*  
  
SM: **eyes light up* PRETTY SNAKIE!!  
  
APASM: This is coming from someone who wants to kiss a cobra.  
  
SM: **chases after Daine*  
  
Daine: Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, hissssssssssssssssssss Translation: AHH! I'M BEEING CHASED BY A MAD WOMAN!! This was not exactly my plan!  
  
Numair: I'll save you, Daine! **runs after Daine, blasts SM out of the way*  
  
SM: OWIES!!!  
  
Daine: Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Translation: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!  
  
Numair: **gently lays cloth over Daine so that she can change back without being totally naked*  
  
Daine: **changes back* Now, I'm going to get dressed. **walks away with her clothes*  
  
Numair: **tries to follow*  
  
SM: **grabs the back of his shirt, or whatever I should call it, and pulls him back* Oh, no you don't.  
  
Numair: **struggling* Oh, yes I do.  
  
Daine: **from off-"stage"* Oh, no you don't  
  
Numair: **stops struggling*  
  
APASM: Mithros, this is getting weird.  
  
Korin: Getting? It's been weird for a while now.  
  
APASM: True.  
  
Sorry, that's all I can think of now. Oh, also, you can also send in questions for various characters and the cast (SM, APASM, and other random people (also known as ORP or RP)) will ask them to whoever it's for, next chapter I think maybe I could do Keladry and someone else. Okay, that was confusing, just review with questions (preferably emailed) for Kel and...ANYONE! WAIT! Now that I think of it I haven't fully read Lady Knight yet, so I can't answer things from that. Okay, NOW review. 


	3. The Amazing Bouncing Zek

Disclaimer: I didn't get any question reviews or emails quick enough so I'm just continuing now.  
  
APASM: **glares at Disclaimer* That was the author's note, not the disclaimer.  
  
Disclaimer: Oh.  
  
APASM: You already know what the disclaimer is SUPPOSED to say so, VOICE!  
  
Voice: And now, live from Serpent Mage's kitchen, it's...  
  
Random Audience Guy 1: Random Tamora Pierce Ranting!  
  
RAG2: Aw, shut up!  
  
RAG1: Make me!  
  
RAG2: I will!  
  
**RAG1 and RAG2 get in a fight*  
  
Voice: And today's guests are Alanna and Zek!  
  
RAG3: **only one clapping*  
  
Zek and Alanna: *bow, as much as a monkey and a person in full armor can*  
  
APASM: *to Alanna* How would you like to wear something more comfortable?  
  
Alanna: Yeah, thanks  
  
Zek: *bounces around the room and crawls up on SM's head*  
  
APASM: Just back there *off stage to right*  
  
Alanna: Okay *exits stage-right*  
  
SM: **very annoyed*  
  
APASM: Now, how are we going to talk to a Carthaki monkey?  
  
Zek: *totally oblivious* *bounce*  
  
SM: CAN YOU QUIT IT!!  
  
Zek: *bounce*  
  
SM: I know a lovely recipe for MONKEY SOUP!  
  
Zek: *freezes*  
  
SM: **happy*  
  
Zek: *collapses in shock*  
  
SM: *really happy*  
  
Alanna: *re-enters* Daine won't be happy.  
  
APASM: ** revives Zek with her goddess-like powers*  
  
Zek: *bounces on APASM's head*  
  
APASM: See, Serpent Mage? I'm perfectly calm. My thoughts are very violent, but I'm not.  
  
Korin: *flashes peace sigh at her* True pacifist!!!!  
  
Alanna: Who are you and should you be here?  
  
APASM: **Zek still bouncing* She is Korin, and yes, she should be here.  
  
Korin: *bows*  
  
Zek: *bounce*  
  
Alanna: *stare*  
  
APASM: Zek, will you please stop, I'm getting a headache  
  
Zek: *stops*curls up and falls asleep on APASM's head*chatters*  
  
Translating machine AKA Daine in a box: He said soft  
  
APASM: Well, at least he isn't bouncing.  
  
TMAKADIAB: He also said your hair is pretty  
  
APASM: Thank you, Zek.  
  
TMAKADIAB: He said "doitashimashite"  
  
Korin: He said "You're welcome"  
  
Alanna: Where did the monkey learn whatever language that is?  
  
APASM: My question exacly.  
  
Korin: Well, we were backstage together before the production started. And that's my language. Call it Nihongo  
  
Audience: **snoring*  
  
Korin: *clashes cymbals together*  
  
A: HEY!  
  
Korin: *gringrin* Kekekekekeke  
  
Zek and Alanna: *buggy eyes*  
  
SM: Can I quit?  
  
APASM: No.  
  
SM: Please?  
  
APASM: No.  
  
Korin: You don't like us?  
  
SM: I don't like order I like total CHAOS! And this isn't as chaotic as usual.  
  
Korin: *blink blink* Call in KoK, Queen of Chaos  
  
Chaos: Someone call?  
  
SM: Yes! This place needs chaos!  
  
APASM: You mean a monkey bouncing on my head wasn't chaos?  
  
SM: Not enough.  
  
Alanna: Why was I brought to this madhouse?  
  
APASM: Because there was a glimmer of hope that Serpent wouldn't turn it into a madhouse, but as I said, only a glimmer.  
  
Alanna: Not even that.  
  
APASM: True.  
  
That's all we can think of, so this chapter is officially done. Please review! 


	4. No, SM, You May Not Have Tortall

Disclaimer: **asleep*  
  
APASM: WAKE UP IDIOT DISCLAIMER!!  
  
Disclaimer: AHHH!! I do not own any characters that you may recognize. Happy?  
  
APASM: **content* Yes.  
  
Voice: And now, live from Serpent Mages kitchen, it's...  
  
Audience: Random Tamora Pierce Ranting, now SHUT UP!  
  
V: Today's guests are Kink Jonathan of Conte and George Cooper.  
  
SM: **cracks up* KINK Jonathan!! That's FUNNY!!  
  
APASM: **snaps fingers, Jon and George arrive*  
  
Jon: Hello  
  
George: More adventures, have we? What do you call this place?  
  
SM: THE TORTURE CHAMBER! **evil laugh*  
  
APASM: **not amused* With you around, that's about right.  
  
SM: HEY!!!!!!!!  
  
George: Woah  
  
Jon: Are you SURE we came to the right address?  
  
George: Well, I WAS  
  
APASM: Pay no attention to her, she's still on medication.  
  
Jon: Understadable  
  
SM: HEY!! They let me out of the nut hose, did they not?  
  
APASM: The did not "let you out" you escaped.  
  
George:*eyes widen*  
  
APASM: **to George* And I'm stuck with this nearly 24 hour a day, it's a supprise I"M not in the nuthouse.  
  
George: I could understand that. Certainly seems like the basis for one  
  
SM: ** standing next to a potal to Tortall* I found a portal to Tortall, and now that there is no king there, I"M GOING TO TAKE OVER TORTALL!!! **evil laugh, jumps through portal, portal shuts*  
  
APASM: That is so like her  
  
Jon: WAIT!! WHAT'S SHE DOING???? My kingdom!!  
  
APASM: Not to worry, come on. **opens portal, jumps through*  
  
Jon: Wha'ts she doing, what's she doing?  
  
APASM: **comes back and draggs Jon and George back through the portal*  
  
G&J: Gyahhh!  
  
APASM: **talking on cell phone* Get Alanna, Keladry, Raoul, and any other knights that you can get, we have a madwoman loose in Corus.  
  
Jon: Darn right you do!!  
  
APASM: **still talking on cell phone* And she has a book of matches and some deisel, she is very dangerous with fire.  
  
**nice men in white coats soon arrive*  
  
George: Thank Mithros!!!  
  
APASM: **to Jon* Don't worry, we should have her before she burns the palace down.  
  
Jon: WHAT??? There's a possibility?? GAHHHHHH!! nooooooO!!!  
  
APASM: **on cell phone* Yes, we need fire extinguishers and water! **gets off cell phone* ** army of knights and firemen arrive*  
  
Jon: My poor, poor palace *sob*  
  
APASM: **comforting Jon* Don't worry, we'll have her **sudden thought* Uh oh.  
  
Jon: What is it and then don't tell me!  
  
APASM: Is Thayet In the palace?  
  
Jon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *breaks down*  
  
APASM: Is that no as in she isn't?  
  
George: She is.  
  
APASM: Serpent likes to try and kill all royalty that she can if she tries to take over someplace, and I do strongly believe that she is in the palace.  
  
Jon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
APASM: And where is Thayet exactly? We really need to get to her.  
  
Jon: Bedroom. She would be changing for lunch about now, we were gonna go riding  
  
APASM: **sprouts wings, grabbs Jon and George, flies towards palace bedroom*  
  
George: Kewl!!  
  
APASM: **reaches palace bedroom, finds Thayet dead but still warm* That's 10 years prison, too.  
  
Jon: MY WIFE!  
  
George: Uh-oh  
  
APASM: Easy, I'm the All Powerfull Author, I have special goddess-like powers and can easily bring someone back from the dead.  
  
Jon: THANK YOU!! *Hugs and kisses her*  
  
APASM: Save it for your wife.  
  
Jon: *bluuuuuuush*  
  
APASM: I'll have to tell Thayet this. **brings Thayet back*  
  
Thayet: Who was that mad woman?  
  
George: You don't want to know  
  
APASM: **to Thayet* Don't be suprised if you die again. You should have seen Jon's face just a minute ago. **tells thayet what recently happened*  
  
Thayet: **cracks up*  
  
Jon: *burries head in hand*  
  
APASM: **tells Thayet about how upset Jon was when she was found dead*  
  
Thayet: How sweet. **kisses Jon*  
  
Jon: *blushes again*  
  
SM: Okay, break it up. **kills Jon*  
  
APASM: **uses goddess-like powers to freeze SM on the spot* By the way, a reviewer says hello, Serpy  
  
SM: **growls because she can't do anything else*  
  
APASM: **brings Jon back*  
  
**nice men in white coats take the unfrozen SM away to a nice padded non- flammable cell*  
  
APASM: **to Jon, George, and Thayet * Shall we go back to America for a nice cup of coffee?  
  
J, G, &T: Yes.  
  
THREE PAGES LONG! Korin and I got a bit carried away. I really enjoyed worrying Jon half to death. Serpent Mage has been taken away but there cannot be a single chapter without the insanity of SM, SHE"LL BE BACK!  
  
Okay, now that you read, REVIEW! Or I'll sick SM on you.  
  
SM: **growling and ready to bite*  
  
OH, and PLEASE read my story, False Beliefs. 


	5. SM, What Did I Tell You About Taking Ove...

Disclaimer: do I really need a disclaimer?  
  
Sorry I didn't get this chapter out A LOT sooner. With school and being out nearly ALL weekend, I didn't have time last week or the week before. Expect a new chapter every week or two. Now, on with the show!  
  
Voice: And now, live from Serpent Mage's kitchen, it's...  
  
Audience:  
  
Voice: Random Tamora Pierce Ranting! And today's guests are, Numair and Ozone! No, Orzone! That isn't right, what was it?  
  
All Powerful Author Serpent Mage (APASM): Ozorne, it's Ozorne.  
  
Voice: Thank you, Ozorne!  
  
APASM: **snaps fingers, Numair and Ozone arrive**  
  
Ozone: OZORNE! Not Ozone, OZORNE!  
  
Serpent Mage (SM): **evil glint in her eye** Yes, Emperor OSBORNE!  
  
Ozone: NOT OZONE OR OSBORNE! OZORNE!!!!!!!!  
  
Numair: **cracking up**  
  
Ozorne: Think it's funny do you? Well take that! **throws ball of magic at Numair**  
  
Numair: **doges it, throws ball of magic at Ozorne**  
  
**Numair and Ozorne get in a fight and throw balls of magic at each other**  
  
SM: **eating popcorn** Go Numy!  
  
APASM: **sitting calmly, legs crossed** As long as they don't burn down the kitchen, I'm actually enjoying this.  
  
Ozorne: **accidentally hits APASM with magic**  
  
APASM: Okay! That means war! **hits Ozorne with all powerful author magic**  
  
SM: The plot thickens.  
  
Everyone: **stopping** Huh? What plot?  
  
SM: True, now go back to your fighting.  
  
APASM, Ozone, & Numair: **go back to fighting, APASM along side Numair, of coarse**  
  
SM: **slips silently back through portal to Tortall**  
  
APASM: **notices and stops fight*calmly** Serpent is trying to take over Tortall again. She did this last episode, too. Numair, would you come with me? I'll have a guard with the Gift look after Ozorne.  
  
Guard with Gift (GWG): **enters** AAHKKKKK! It smells like something died in here!  
  
Numair: That would be him. **points to Ozorne**  
  
Ozorne: I do not appreciate remarks about being a "stinky stormwing"  
  
Numair: Well, to bad. **mutters** Stinky stormwing.  
  
Ozorne: **gives Numair a nasty cut on the cheek in an attempt to slap him**  
  
Numair: **clutching bleeding cheek** Why, you little...  
  
Korin: Won't you two just quit it! You two don't have to be friends, which I know you'll never be...  
  
Ozorne: Damn straight.  
  
Korin: **ignoring Ozorne**...but you could a least not fight.  
  
APASM: Very true, Korin. Come here, Numair, before you bleed to death.  
  
Numair: **comes, grumbling**  
  
APASM: **reaches over to Numair (she's quite tall), examines wound** This will take a while, wounds from immortals are hard for me to mend.  
  
Meanwhile in a Corus shop....  
  
SM: **thinks to self** "I knew that exchanging all that American money for Tortallan money would pay off." **finds a beautifull turquoise and gold dress** **thinks** "a perfect disguise for taking the throne" **buys it**  
  
Back in SM's kitchen...  
  
APASM: **finishes up healing wound* Okay, lets go. **shoves Numair and Ozorne through the portal and jumps through herself*  
  
To Be Continued  
  
Sorry this chapter wasn't as funny and finish with "to be continued" but I had very little inspiration. If anyone has any ideas please tell me. Chapter after next will feature Sandry and Daja. If you have any questions for them or ideas for that chapter they are warmly excepted. 


	6. Author's Note

I'm sorry I haven't written anything lately, but I have had no inspiration for a while. I am just telling you that I will take a while off from writing. I will still review, but I'm just taking a break from writing. When I get more ideas I'll start up again, but for now, I'm taking a brief pause. And will you look at Evil Serpent Goddesses stories? She's a friend. Also, If any of you even know what Fushigi Yuugi is, please read Kang Xiu's things.  
  
~Serpent Mage 


End file.
